Conversations With a Patchwork Heart Read online

Conversations With A Patchwork Heart

  Poetry from the heart of Mariah Rice

  copyright 2011 Mariah Rice

  ----------------------------------------------

  ***********

  Pick a Petal

  ***********

  Pick a petal,

  What will it be?

  He loves me not,

  Or does he love me?

  Around the petal I will go,

  Until my answer I finally know.

  Now one more petal is all I've got,

  And to my despair, I find,

  He loves me not.

  I've been doing this now,

  For about an hour,

  But, I think I'll try another flower.

  ***********

  My Question

  ***********

  When the pieces aren't broken,

  When I have peace of mind,

  When happiness is not like a needle to find,

  In a haystack, then, a question have I;

  Will you still love me?

  When I don't need to be rescued,

  From the demons that plague,

  When alone in the dark I can stand,

  Unafraid,

  The old wounds all heal,

  And the scars they all fade,

  Will you still love me?

  When my walls all come down,

  My true self is set free,

  When I shake off these shackles

  Imprisoning me,

  Will you still love me then,

  The way that you say?

  Or will your need to be needed,

  Take you away?

  ******

  Poetry

  ******

  Poetry is the language

  Spoken in my heart

  The depth of my emotion

  On paper as art.

  Poetry is the revealing of the 'me' inside

  That so few truly know,

  Tis poetry, not my eyes, that is

  The window to my soul.

  ********

  Fairytale

  ********

  If this were a fairytale,

  You would sweep me off my feet,

  I would hear church bells ringing,

  Every time we meet.

  If this were a fairytale,

  I would be a damsel in distress,

  You would be the one to rescue me,

  Putting your devotion to the test.

  If this were a fairytale,

  You would be a prince, or a knight,

  And I would be a princess,

  With beauty shining bright.

  If this were a fairytale,

  We would live ever after happily,

  But, hey, this ain't a fairytale,

  Its just you and me.

  And there will be times,

  That I don't see you as my knight,

  Rather, the cause of my distress,

  For there will be times we fight.

  And there will be times,

  We really make each other mad,

  And we'll end up not speaking,

  (Which may not seem so bad.)

  Happily ever after?

  That is not the life for me.

  Because trials make love stronger,

  Than any fairytale love could be.

  *************

  Streets of Gold

  *************

  They keep saying 'Sorry for your loss',

  I wish they'd just keep still,

  Each time they say those words,

  They bring back the pain

  I'm trying not to feel.

  I know your pain is over now,

  Your suffering is done.

  You stayed faithful to the end,

  Your victory is won.

  I know you've earned your just reward,

  You've seen your Maker's face,

  I know you're more than 'better off',

  In that blessed place.

  I know you're walking streets of gold,

  With angels by your side,

  But I wonder if those angels know,

  Just how much we've cried.

  Please forgive our selfish tears,

  And the pain thats in our hearts,

  But while you walk with angels,

  We have all lost ours.

  *****

  Scars

  *****

  You've shown me your hurts

  Wish I could kiss them away,

  Make everything all better,

  Make the pain go away.

  But, the truth is, I can't.

  No matter how badly I want to,

  All I can do is understand,

  What you are going though.

  And I do understand,

  Perhaps more than you know,

  I also have scars that I don't like to show.

  **********

  Best Friend

  **********

  People ask me if I have a boyfriend,

  And I tell them 'No.'

  Because that isn't what you are.

  You're my best friend.

  You are one of the few people,

  Who has seen me at my worst,

  And hung around in spite of it.

  You accept me as I am,

  With all of my faults,

  At the same time,

  You challenge me,

  To overcome my weaknesses,

  Without judging me when I fail.

  You know how to make me laugh,

  You know how to make me think,

  You know how to change the subject,

  Right before I begin to cry,

  Even when you're miles away.

  You understand me,

  When I don't make sense.

  Almost like you are inside my head

  Reading my thoughts.

  You are quick to forgive me,

  When I screw up,

  And you are just as quick

  To ask forgiveness

  When you are at fault.

  Its funny,

  How you snuck in through the walls

  I had built around myself,

  And without knowing it,

  You headed straight for my heart.

  But, you didn't steal it,

  Or take control of it,

  You simply became a part of it.

  A part of me.

  The better part.

  So, when people ask me if

  I have a boyfriend,

  I say, 'No',

  With a smile.

  I have something a million times better

  Than a boyfriend,

  I have a best friend.

  I have you.

  **************

  The Right Thing

  **************

  I know that we did the right thing,

  Choosing friendship over romance,

  Truth be known, my one regret,

  I never did get my dance.

  I admit, I miss the little things,

  That made us 'more than friends',

  I miss talking almost every night,

  The feel of my fingers lost in your hands.

  And, yes, right now, I'm sort of sad,

  Tears keep threatening to fall,

  Yet, I know, 'this too shall pass',

  For my heart isn't breaking at all.

  It isn't like I've lost you,

  You are still my best friend.

  Just taking me some time to

  Think of you that way again.

  Maybe, someday down the road,

  We'll find our romance meant to be.

  If not, then, I'll be cool w
ith that,

  Just save a dance for me.

  ***********

  Uncertainty

  ***********

  Someday,

  I'm gonna find a way,

  To tell you I didn't mean a word,

  Of what I said,

  When I told you I didn't think

  That we should still be friends.

  It was all just a lie,

  Brought on by fears held inside.

  What if I quit being

  What everybody wants, or expects

  Me to be?

  And for the first time in my life,

  I truly just be myself,

  And you find that who I am

  Isn't someone you can love?

  Or, perhaps, we will say that we'll be

  'Just friends'

  And we will try

  But those romantic feelings,

  That we try to ignore,

  Will lead us to desire

  The forbidden 'something more'

  But what if

  We just let our friendship

  Continue towards its end,

  The end also

  Of the wholeness of my heart,

  And of my fragile sanity,

  Tell me,

  You, who is my dearest torment,

  As well as sweetest friend,

  Tell me

  What happens then?

  *****

  How

  *****

  How do you begin a letter,

  Written to a chapter of your past?

  When you're not expecting answers,

  To the questions that you have?

  How do you put on paper,

  The tears that fall from your eyes,

  When you feel again the old pain,

  And remember all the lies.

  How do you let go of

  A past that maims your life?

  When you can't forgive the one,

  Who caused all the strife?

  How do you begin that letter?

  Everything I write seems wrong.

  How do you begin that letter?

  Surely not

  'Dear Mom'?

  ******

  Ashes

  ******

  Light a match

  Watch it burn.

  Somebody took a match

  To everything I believed

  Before I saw the flame

  It had consumed all

  That I held onto.

  Truth, love, responsibility,

  Of these, I have nothing left.

  Just ashes.

  Ashes, emptiness,

  And lies.

  Ashes, ashes, it all falls down.

  ************

  Slow Suicide

  ************

  I told you that I'd be fine,

  I wasn't hurt too much

  By your goodbye.

  You didn't realize that

  When I said that, I lied.

  I'm killing myself

  Lie by lie

  Slowly committing suicide.

  Preparing to write my final lines,

  Then I'll leave this empty life behind.

  I told you I put my knife away,

  But I pulled it out again today,

  Cut myself and felt the pain,

  Watched the blood,

  The deep red stain.

  I'm killing myself

  Lie by lie,

  Slowly committing suicide.

  *********

  Observer

  *********

  It is a very strange thing,

  To watch yourself die.

  And to know that you are the only one

  who sees it happening.

  Standing outside of yourself

  And seeing the light in eyes

  Fade, then go out completely...

  Hearing the laughter that was once

  So full and real

  Sound hollow and fake.

  Watching as every tear shrivels

  While it is yet in your eye

  Not falling...never falling.

  A helpless observer

  As the ground you stand on

  Crumbles beneath your feet

  As the earth opens,

  Trying to swallow you.

  Yes,

  It is a strange thing indeed,

  To watch yourself die.

  ****************************

  To Grandma: In Care of Heaven

  ****************************

  I am writing you this poem, Grandma,

  That while on Earth you'll never read,

  For I know your memories have fled you,

  And you have forgotten me.

  But, I have been missing you, Grandma,

  And I wanted you to know,

  For yours was the hand that raised me,

  And helped me to grow.

  Your hands were wrinkled, Grandma,

  And they were often cold,

  But they were always there

  If I needed one to hold.

  I probably won't see you again, Grandma,

  So in this poem I am saying goodbye.

  For I could not bear to see you,

  And have you see a stranger cry.

  So I am mailing this to Heaven,

  I am sending it in a prayer,

  Hoping against all hopes,

  That you will read once you're there.

  **********

  I Promise...

  **********

  To stand forever by your side,

  For better or for worse.

  To choose to love you through the fights

  Though we may say things that hurt.

  To look each day to see your needs,

  And try to meet them the best I can,

  To carry them to God in prayer,

  When meeting them is out of my hands.

  To support you in everything you try,

  Both when you soar and when you fall.

  To remind you not to get discouraged,

  For I will love you through it all.

  To know you as I know myself,

  Or better as it may well be.

  To see all the beauty in your heart,

  That others may not see.

  To never take your love for granted,

  And to appreciate all that you do,

  To love you forever,

  With all that I am,

  This is my promise to you.

  ******

  Yo-Yo

  ******

  You hold me close,

  Just to push me away,

  People would think I'm a yo-yo,

  Judging off the games you play.

  Boy, I'm impressed though,

  It seems you know some tricks.

  You've kept me sleeping at the

  End of the string,

  While you've been a prick.

  Oh, I know you'll pull me back

  To the palm of your hand,

  till something else takes that spot,

  Then you'll send me off spinning again.

  Yeah, you've had me on a string,

  Wrapped around your finger.

  One of these days,

  You'll go to pull me back,

  And find I didn't linger.

  The string will hang limp.

  You'll act like a sad little boy,

  But I won't look back,

  Or regret the day,

  You stand there and watch

  Your yo-yo

  Roll

  Away.

  ***********

  grATTITUDE

  ***********

  To all of you people

  From my past

  Who tried to destroy

  Every hope I'd ever have

  Thank you.

  To the woman who gave birth to me,

  Then twice chose her lover over

  Her own family

  Thank you.

 
To her lover who taught me not to trust,

  Who taught me to shudder

  At the slightest touch

  Thank you.

  To the man who used me,

  Then told me good-bye

  Made me so ashamed I wanted to die,

  Thank you.

  You each took something from me,

  But you didn't leave me empty handed

  You left me with the gift

  Of not taking anything for granted.

  Mother, because you left

  And were never really there,

  Each day I'm so grateful for

  How much my stepmom cares.

  And I'm thankful for the honesty

  Of my family and friends.

  Each day I learn a little more

  How to trust again.

  And because I've people

  Just up and walk away,

  I appreciate even more

  Those in my life that choose to stay.

  And because I've had people just

  Up and walk away,

  I appreciate even more those in my life

  That choose to stay.

  And because I struggled so long,

  Without much will to survive,

  Each day that I wake up,

  Is a day I'm glad to be alive.

  So, I'm sorry, if the tone of this poem

  Has seemed rude,

  For you each have my sincerest

  Gratitude.

  **************

  The Path to You

  **************

  If I'm ever looking for you,

  You're not hard to find,

  You're always there

  In the dark, back corner of my mind.

  I just need to follow

  the path of heartache,

  There you are,

  My heart in your hands,

  It ready to break.

  You've hurt me so often,

  I find no suprise,

  When you fill the silence

  With nothing but lies.

  You've proved it before,

  That your heart isnt true.

  I ask just one question,

  'What have I done, to deserve this

  From you?'

  *****************

  The Most Unknown

  *****************

  I never told you,

  I never showed you,

  You never knew I couldn't cry.

  You never saw the stain,

  The knife used to ease the pain,

  You never knew I held inside.

  *If you'd known I was falling

  Would you have caught me?

  If you'd known I was bleeding,

  Would you have stopped me?

  I'm sure you would have,

  I'm not blaming you,

  How could you've saved me,

  When you never knew?

  You never saw the pills,

  I took trying to cure my ills,

  To kill the one I hated most.

  You never saw me high,

  You never saw me fly,

  You never knew I'd overdose.

  *If you'd known I was falling,

  Would you have caught me?

  If you'd known I was bleeding,

  Would you have stopped me?

  I'm sure you would have,

  So I'm not blaming you.

  How could you've saved me,

  When you never knew?

  You never saw the pain

  Behind the mask I wore,

  You thought that I was whole,

  Not shattered glass upon the floor.

  *If you'd known I was falling,

  Would you have caught me?

  If you'd known I was bleeding

  Would you have stopped me?

  But how could you have saved me

  When you never knew?

  Now with a tear in your eye,

  You sit alone.

  Reading what is written,

  On my new heart of stone.

  Before you leave,

  You'll drop a rose,